Journal Entry from 2018 - after Divorce and Separation
What if it doesn’t work out
But what if it does?
My westfalia picture
Love
what I dream and desire
Dinner parties outside
SoCal
Let it be
Minimize it all
Beauty and design
I am not a collection of body parts
I am a soul and a dreamer
I’m made for love and truth
Adventure and freedom
I no longer live under him
I’m no longer crushed by his heel
or thrown around like his rag doll
I didn’t remain a victim
I fought out
I still will fight until the fight is over
And if it’s never over then I’ll fight every fucking day
I am free
And I belong to no one
I am sailing the ocean
Not tied to the shore.
I need to find myself
I left myself
I stayed in my body but I avoided my deep parts
I covered them in layers of titles that were empty
Wife was what I wanted.
The wife part didn't come with the warmth I needed.
Don’t want to be that now
Maybe someday
Maybe never
But definitely not now
I was made for more.
There is no secular or sacred
It’s all sacred
It all matters
We are in this beautiful messy world
Brutal
Beautiful
Brutiful
I want it
I accept it
I give and receive love freely
I close the door on the past
I let go of the shore
I sail
I feel the sun
I accept the waves crashing
The winds changing
My outlook shifting
I enjoy the process today
I’m grateful for my life
Thankful for my kids
Looking to mature
Truth
Love
Universe
Wisdom
Guidance
I am strong
I am beautiful
I am creative
I am musical
I am gifted
I have skills to offer
Humor to share
Thoughts to speak
A voice to be heard
I will accept one who enriches me
and my enriching of him,
or nothing.
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