Raw, real thoughts from my heart while experiencing the death of a dream. Divorce is not for the faint of heart.
If you only knew
The tears I’ve cried
For all of the lost moments
The babies I grew and birthed
Precious and small
Into this world
With me alone
And you distant and gone
Us trying to find our way
And you not caring well for us
Small babies make me cry
Every time
Constantly
Because I never had the family I dreamt of
Only the picture of it
It wasn’t gentle and kind
It wasn’t loving and warm
It wasn’t
How did I go through it 4 times
And get nothing from you
Except disdain
You were here
You were around
You cared for me in pieces
You held our babies
You smiled at them
You fed them
When the newness wore off
shiny things distracted you
You left
You left me
Alone
To care for them
And try to pick up all of the pieces
And it wrecked me
I didn’t even realize how badly
But here I am sobbing
For the life that I wanted
And the life that they deserve
And we cannot give it to them
I couldn’t even give it to them if I stayed with you
The main thing you and I had in common was
that both of us felt sorry for you
And cared for you
And thought about you
And both of us knew it was never good enough
You existed alongside me
But that isn’t love
And that shouldn’t be marriage
I could have probably withstood the existing
Had it not been mixed with toxins
The financial stress was mounting but the last thing my brain could even come around to
The emotional sadness was what truly made me hollow
The babies are what always cause me to sob
I can never go back and relive it
I don’t see how it can be healed
They are yours and mine and they will always belong to us
And yet we do not belong to each other
And it seems like nothing will ever be right in the world
Because of this
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